Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when some of us make our new year’s resolutions. I started thinking of the usual ones. I want to quit smoking. I want to lose weight. Is that an oxymoron? Quit smoking/lose weight. How do I accomplish both of these?
It seems like when I quit smoking I always get cravings for more snacks. Maybe I should get the patch? Chew gum? Get hypnotized? There are lots of choices that I could possible use to help me to quit. But then I started thinking that maybe I should just trust in the Creator to help me get through this time. Hasn’t he always been there for me throughout my life? Someone has sure been by my side in my darkest hours. Is it my spirit guide? One of my ancestors? Jesus? I don’t know the answer but I do know that something more powerful than myself has always been there.
I have always been thankful. I know I am luckier than some people. I have been blessed in so many ways. My basic needs in life have always been met. I have plenty of food, shelter, clothes to wear. My bills are always paid on time. I don’t need a big fancy car, don’t need a big screen TV, don’t need to go to Florida. I have everything I need right here at home, (sounds like a good country song).
Throughout the years my faith has been tested many times. I have had my share of grief and I think everyone has to have grief. I don’t know exactly why but believe me, no one escapes it. Once, 17 years ago when we lost our beautiful grandson, I thought I wouldn’t survive. He was a special little guy. He believed in the Creator without question. He would always say to us. I love the Creator. And he would correct us when anyone was doing wrong like swearing or smoking. He said, “the creator don’t like it when you swear.” When he died I started to question, if there really is a God then why would he take our grandson from us? Weren’t we being good people? Weren’t we loving all of our grandchildren and teaching them all about how to be a good person? What did we do wrong? I was always taught that he is a loving and kind God and that he didn’t want to hurt us. Why do we as human beings have to suffer grief? I guess the old cliché is we have these trials to teach us lessons and they make us stronger. Our grandson taught us so much in his 3 and ½ short years on earth. He taught us that we should love the creator without question. If he could do that then why couldn’t we?
My faith was tested again two years ago. My husband of 40 years met a younger woman and “fell in love” with her, leaving us all. People say to me. Didn’t you see it coming? Well, I guess when I think about it, yeah probably. But, I put the blinders on and hoped for it not to be true.
When that happened I thought for sure that was the end for me. For the first time in my life, I was thinking of ways that I could end my life. I thought maybe I will just drive my car into a tree. But then what if it didn’t really kill me? What if I just ended up with broken bones and then I would have to recover. I thought, maybe I will just take a bunch of pills. But then I thought, what if they don’t kill me. What if I just become like a vegetable and end up in the nursing home with people feeding me and changing my diaper? How about if I just hang myself? But, darn it I wouldn’t even be able to climb up on the darn chair to tie the noose. I know suicide is no laughing matter but I can laugh at myself now because I realize that those were foolish thoughts. Each time I did have these awful thoughts my grandchildren’s beautiful and loving faces would flash in my mind. I couldn’t hurt them babies like that. Then they wouldn’t have their Grandma or their papa.
Anyway, that was 2 years ago. I have survived all that and I am happy again. When one of my grandbabies gives me a hug and says “I love you grandma” I am so happy and so blessed that I have my family and that I can share with them all the good, the bad, and the ugly. But no matter what life throws at us we will survive it if we have faith in something other than ourselves. Call it what you will, but there is something. All I know is, Papa is sure missing out. I am not the defeated one. I am the lucky one. I get to be here with my family through it all.
We have choices when we are faced with obstacles. We can just give up, lay on the couch and wallow in self pity. Or, we can get up and thank the Creator every day for the many blessings we truly have. Our families, our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, warmth, food, good friends. I have 15 grandbabies now and more coming. I am so glad that I am here to see them all. I wonder who the next little person will be. What lessons will they teach me about life? I want to see what life has in store for me. Whether it be a happy occasion or a sad occasion I will be a part of it. Thanks be to Creator!